Every month feels like a day. i don't know if i'm happy, i feel like my life is full of small lies to not let anyone/anything too close to knowing the truth about me. He knows though. I hope he loves me despite what he knows. I don't think i expected to still be with him 3 years ago today. It seemed so impossible. Maybe i'm just afraid to be alone. I said it. It's just hard to actually do something about. Sometimes i think i'm just waiting for something else to come along, and if it doesn't i still have him, right? Horrible way to think/be. I can't help it.

Sometimes i think i'm afraid to meet new people because i feel like something inside me is missing. I feel like i lost it, whatever it was that made me me. i feel like i don't have time for interests, or anything, all i can handle is the minimal neccesities of my life. That sucks. It feels pathetic.
i'm developing a problem. and while its not serious i know its a problem.

It's felt like forever.

I can't help but feel old when i realize how fast time flew. I thought i would know what i was doing by 23 but i don't.

I feel extremely inadequite at work. I want my life to move forward but it feels stuck. I feel really close to what i want to do with my life but just not there.

It's hard seeing old friends, it makes me feel old. It makes me feel like a bad friend that i left all the good ones behind.
I shouldn't have to deal with it, i shouldn't have people in my life that have caused so much pain but i do. And regardless of the fact that i have removed myself entirely from it, it is still a part of my life. So i'm starting this year(23) with less support, but hopefully stronger and better support With more aspirations, and being closer to my dreams.

I need to work harder this year, love more, and be more in control of myself.

i miss my best friend

i really just want things to be okay and for things to stay good. i'm stuck in the same place i was a year ago, and a year before that and so on. i'm not sure how to fix it, or if it's worth it.

i'm just going on vacation tomorrow and i am hoping it beats the last one( DD, KK, AR,PK VACA3000) but i'm not sure if it's possible. i REALLY need a vacationand to just be taken care of for a few days duh.
BONDE DO ROLE + DIPLO
i probably need a vacation from d. as well, but i'm pretty apprehensive to be leaving him here "alone".
vacation vacation!

i wonder how i convinced myself for 2 months that i don't care. now that i've opened myself up to him again i feel that need for him, and i'm honestly scared.

he's been my biggest support the past couple of days, but am i settling down again? am i ready to be in this relationsp again?
and can i really balance this?

i don't know what i did to be so happy but nothing phases me it only makes me more positive.

i really needed this vacation.

i think i've really learned how to relax.

i know i could be better, but i'm happy and thats what matters. i don't know how things moved so quickly but the past month has been full of laughter. I've created a new life for myself away from him and i'm proud. I feel like the past month has tightened my friendships with those who've meant the most to me(it's also allowed things to fall apart where neccessary) I needed to be here and i needed to find those who i've found and i'm suprisingly happy(when i never thought i would feel this good so soon)

i've completely avoided dealing with this past month of my life. i've been completely focused on the wrong things.

i don't know what exactly hit me yesterday but i haven't been able to get up

ihave so many decisions to make and i don't know if any of them are right but im doing whatever feels good and its brought me here

i haven't even begun my life.
i really haven't thought about his death yet, but i'm not suprised that it hasn't sunk in. it's mainly when i picture his funeral tomorrow and his coffin and him inside that i have to relocate my thoughts.
things aren't supposed to be that bad
i don't feel like any of us helped the situation, but thats life

i just feel like death brings on all these feelings of regret for me.

and its the first of my first real friends to go

i found a bunch of his stories that he gave me and it just seems like his life was focused on death and how to stay closeby

i dont know